What I Miss

When I was working I had some negative feelings towards stay-at-home moms. Like, who do they think they are thinking life is hard? They get to stay home. All day. With their kids! Whenever I saw a stay-at-home mom at the store when I had a weekday off or happened to stop in and grab some lunch before court I would glare at their backs as they wandered happily around the store with kids in tow.

Uh, yeah.

Can I get a reality check for the Ignorant one on aisle 2?

Now I realize that that mother I glared at in the grocery store could have been so close to ripping her hair out that her only escape was to find something she "needed" at the store so she could get out of the house for a minute.

So I suppose at this point it looks like this post is going to be filed under "the grass is always greener" heading. Well, in a way. But mostly it is to help me remember the things that I miss, and some of the things I don't, about being on the other side of that "fence".

I do miss getting ready for the day before 7 a.m. Granted, I usually walked in the door to work about 7:08 every morning, but I was showered and dressed.

I don't miss leaving the house at 6:30 a.m. and not getting back home until 6:30 p.m.

I do miss talking to more than 4 people on any given day.

I don't miss ALL of the people I talked to.

I do miss sneaking out the back door with a couple of the agents to go on a Dairy Queen run and then hurrying to eat it by the time we got back to the office. I think everyone else knew I went, but I still thought I was being sneaky.

I don't miss out on taking Logan for ice cream because he told me my hair looked nice.

I do miss the passive-agressive office fights I would have with coworkers, particularly the oldest agent in the office - he once told another agent that he got my panties in a knot. I still laugh about that one.

I don't miss the adorable things my kids do on a daily basis that keep me laughing just as hard or harder.

I do miss chatting with my boss or sitting out front with the girls in the office and gossiping.

I don't miss the feeling of dread when Logan got sick and I knew I had to make the decision about whether to call my boss AGAIN and hope she believed me that he was sick again. (She always did and he always was.)

I don't miss obnoxious coworkers who always seemed to be trying to get me in trouble.

I don't miss sitting in staff meetings that got turned into a finger-pointing game so awkward and uncomfortable that no one's eyes left the floor.

However, I do miss staff meetings where we spent the entire time, sometimes pretty unsuccessfully, to stifle our laughs. And Agent P. always kicking off my flipflop whenever I sat next to him.

I don't miss having to leave my kids at the babysitters. Especially on the days he would cry and scream as I shut the door so I wouldn't be late.

I do miss feeling important. It's hard to feel important when you don't shower until 10 a.m.

I don't miss the looked-down-on look I got from people who thought it was horrible that I worked outside the home. True though that I probably got the look because they caught on to the vibes I was sending their way.

I don't miss the guilt. Oh, the guilt. Ask any working mom and she can tell you about the guilt.

I do miss getting to be someone other than "mom" at times.

I don't miss out on this part of these little lives that I will never, ever get back.

No matter how hard it gets, no matter how many moments in the last 6 months I would have given anything to snap my fingers and be back in my quiet office where I was in control and felt valuable, that last sentence says it all. I may not be a perfect mom, I may not have been "that girl" who was born to be a mom, but looking back from 6 months there is not a day I would give back or trade. I'm only glad that I have this perspective - to be able to say that I have been both places and this is where I need to be. I am thankful for the job I did have - a job that I liked so well that I do miss it. I was lucky for that. But, we have made sacrifices in the home we choose to live in, the things we choose to buy, and the way we choose to live so that I can be here, now, and I feel lucky for that.

And I'm especially grateful to Dave - who has made the most sacrifices of all of us only to get to listen to me whine about staying home on the days that don't go so well. At least I won't be looking back on this time when the kids have grown up and whining about what I missed...

29 Months - My turn

I really missed writing your letter last month but I think your dad did a really good job. Maybe I'll have to talk him into doing it again one of these days.

This month last month your dad and I had quite a few hunts between the 2 of us and you even got to spend a couple days out camping with grandma and grandpa and dad during the muzzleloader deer hunt. We didn't go to the family deer camp for the rifle hunt but we did hunt around Kanab and for the most part you thought that was pretty fun. You were especially happy when dad gave you your own "noculars" to look through. Every time we stopped to look for deer you and your dad would do this...
It was pretty cute. You always told us you could see deer through them but if you were telling the truth we couldn't find them. I didn't end up getting my deer but we had some fun scratching up the truck anyway.

We took family pictures the other day and it is definitely more of a challenge with you now. We expected the "angry spiderman/monster" face quite a bit and we got it plus a little of this...

and a lot of this...

but we did get a couple that are decent enough to display in the house and send out on Christmas cards. I think next year we won't take pictures in a park though - it was just too tempting. There were some older boys playing football when we were there and as we were leaving your grandma started talking to them and you ended up getting to throw their football a couple times. You did pretty well too!

I keep forgetting some of the funny things you say but I did remember a few for this letter. We are rarely surprised by the things you say anymore - you talk pretty well and it just seems normal to us now. A few months ago I was working on the computer and you came over to me and said "I want some ice cream... and you want some ice cream... and, um, your hair looks nice." I don't know how you learned that but it worked. We went and got ice cream later that day.

The other day we left your water bottle at Grandma Hillier's house and when we went back she had it sitting on her microwave. When we got back home I filled it up and gave it to you and you said "Oh, my water cup. I left it on grandma's cooker." It took me a minute to figure out what "cooker" meant and then I had to laugh because that little box must just seem like a magical cooker to you. I put your eggs or oatmeal in it in the morning and they come out cooked! A "cooker" is a dang better name than "microwave."

You also told me the other day that your gum went "down the drain" in your mouth. Nope, you didn't swallow it - it just went down the drain.

The other day we went out and played in the leaves that are falling from the big tree in our yard and you had a great time. I raked up some of them for you and you had a good time throwing them around while we waited outside for your dad to come home.

Then you chased a bunch of grasshoppers that had become pretty slow because of the cooler weather and you even caught one. It surprised us both and I screamed and you tried your best to squeeze the life out of the thing while I danced around screaming at you to please not squish it. It was pretty funny and Tess smiled at our entertainment. By the time your dad got you had made your way to the sandbox and pretty much bathed in the dirt. I thought you looked like a dirty little puppy...

Yes, that is dirt on your nose and forehead. You dumped sand from the bucket down your face.

Ok well as I write this you are nagging me and nagging me to get you some milk. That is really my only complaint this month is that it seems like you are on repeat mode. If you want something you literally do NOT STOP repeating yourself until I either get it for you or tell you no. If it is the latter, you usually crumple into a heap on the floor and cry for a minute until something distracts you. Again, I wish there was an "off" button on my ears.

But I love ya and I better go get you the milk that you are nagging me for. Next month you are officially 2 1/2 and I can't believe it. What happened to my little boy? All I see when I look at this picture is you 15 years from now in your football jacket trying to look smokin' for the ladies. Yikes!

Love ya chubs,

Mom

Need New Stuff?

My Aunt Jean is having an estate sale this weekend so if you live nearby you should totally check it out. Dave and I already spent quite a bit of money "shopping" for tools in her basement and there are still tons of great things to be found. There are lots of tools, some really nice tables and other furniture I would buy if I knew where we would be living in the next few years, dishes, and pretty much anything you can think of.

The website to see all of the pictures and the information/address is www.suzannesales.com .

This is only one side of the room with all the tools in it - there are tons!

I love this dresser!

More tools...

Beautiful bedroom set.

Halloween!

So apparently Logan has this thing with getting sick around candy holidays. He puked all over me and then proceeded to poop all over me at Easter last year and missed out on the Easter egg hunt. Now the day before Halloween he got sick again. Poor kid. He had had a fever and was just generally feeling pretty crummy on Friday so I was preparing to take him to the doctor on Saturday but after a good night's sleep he woke up feeling much better and the fever was nowhere to be seen! We still decided it wouldn't be a good idea to send him out collecting tons of candy (sugar affects your immune system!) so I put him in his costume and took him to a couple houses nearby and we called it quits for the night.

No matter how hard I tried I could barely get him to look up from trying to unwrap his candy to take a picture with his pumpkins.

I finally succeeded here but he doesn't look all that happy with me. You can still see in his eyes that he doesn't feel that great...

So we spent the rest of the evening handing out candy to all the "costumes" that knocked on our door and there were TONS! I figured no one would come to our house because no one here really knows us but apparently that doesn't mean anything in Kanab! I ran out of candy by 8 and we spent the rest of the night trying to ignore people who didn't understand that the porch light being off meant we were out of candy. I finally had to put up a sign and that worked for the most part but we did have a couple people knock even after that. Relentless!

So even though Logan didn't do much actual trick-or-treating I think he had a good time. He keeps asking me if we are going to go to people's houses and say trick or treat but so far he has been pretty happy to put his costume back on and be Spiderman for the day.

Oh, and I was a total scrooge and didn't dress Tess up. We were both going to go as firefighters since she has a firefighting shirt and I still have all my firefighting stuff but after the day we had we decided against it. Next year though - just you wait...

5 Months - Sold! To the nearest Indians.

5 months already - I shouldn't even say it because I know you are probably tired of reading it but dang, where did it go?

You had your 4 month appointment at the doctor after I wrote your last letter so I didn't get your stats in but as of October 4th-ish you were 13 lbs. 5 oz. and 25 inches long. Your weight dropped into the 43 percentile because your height shot up into the 73rd! You are long and lean but there are definitely some cute little baby rolls to be found. I've had to start putting some of your 3-6 month clothes - specifically pajamas - into boxes and started pulling out the 6-9 months stuff. Not quite as early as Logan who was wearing clothes that were double his age from about the 3 month mark on - but your little legs are getting too long for a lot of your smaller stuff.

Early this last month I had the chance to go play bunco and I asked your dad probably 24,328 times if he thought I should go or not. He told me he would be fine with both kids and that I needed it so I should go. I finally accepted the invitation and had you and Logan all prepared to spend the evening with your dad. While I was there I got a few texts early on about how you were still doing fine but as the minutes ticked by the texts got more, how should I say this, frustrated? About 3/4 into the game I got a text saying that your dad was going to drive south until you either a) stopped crying or b) he found some Indians who would buy you. Lucky for us you fell asleep. He ended up driving around with you the rest of the time I was gone - at one point he had gone home and Logan had fallen asleep and he actually had to wake the poor kid up to take you for another ride. I got home a few minutes before you guys did and when you opened your eyes and looked out at me from your carseat you gave me the biggest smile, almost like you were saying, "I TOTALLY got him mom!" Had your dad not felt so relieved his evening with you alone was over I think he would have flipped!

You've definitely become a little tougher this last month. Your dad and I had cow elk tags and we went up to Panguitch a couple times to hunt on Mt. Dutton. We would leave after I had fed you about 6 in the morning or so and then pray that you would take a bottle. See you were taking bottles just fine but not while I was trying to hunt! We found some elk the 2nd day we went out but I was so worried about if you were at home starving that I told your dad we had to go home and make sure you were ok. So yeah, I blame not getting a cow elk on you babe.

At Grandma V.'s riding the tractor.

You also think that you should be just as mobile as Logan is. About halfway through this month I had you on a blanket on the floor next to the kitchen while I made dinner. You were on your back and when I looked again you were on your front! Sure enough you learned to roll over and you've been nonstop ever since. I've been trying to get you to sit up a little bit so that soon you will be able to do it by yourself but that's a no-go. If I hold your fingers and pull you up to sit you just arch your back until I let you stand. I've also created a monster out of you by basically doing laps around our house all day holding you whenever you get fussy. That was not my intention but somehow it happened. And sis, you may only weigh 13 pounds but you are literally killing my back on a daily basis. I have no one to blame but myself for that one though - so you are off the hook. Meanwhile, I am excited that you won't be able to remember the next few weeks as I try to teach you that I don't need to be your own personal pair of legs.

All these so called "hard" things aside though we are still just as happy as ever to have you in the family. Logan has been warming up to you a lot more lately as you have started to become more of a little person than a little squirmy thing. Apparently I use him to try to distract you when you cry by saying, "Look! There's your big brother!" Sometimes it works because you think that no matter what he does he is pretty funny - particularly when he is crying. So now when you start crying Logan automatically says "Look! There's your brother!" He's a cute kid and he definitely has decided you are worth keeping - or at least shutting up.

Your dad says he likes to read my letters to you guys and see what I come up with each month. And you know what? While I don't even want to think about you already being 6 months old I am excited for next month's letter too, because I can't wait to see what you will come up with.

Love you shorty,

Mom