Logan - September 2012

Well we finally finished out our summer bud.  The last couple weeks before school started your dad was in Idaho on a big fire, so we spent as much time out of the house as we could so we wouldn't drive each other crazy.  On your last Friday of "freedom" we hit the park and I made you stand by the swings and pose for a picture for me.  You are such a handsome kid.

I also must have recruited you to help me feed Tyson during one of our busy days, either that or you volunteered.  I can't imagine a big brother loving his little brother more than you do that Tyson boy.

We also decided that going for walks after dinner up to the Ranchos park is a good way to kill some time before bedtime.  Pretty much it is either that or I would be sending you guys to bed at 6 p.m.  For the most part you enjoy it, but it is up a bit of "hill" to get to the park, and this particular day it must have been pretty warm because when you finally pulled up next to where I had stopped you looked at me and said, "Mom, I wish there were no uphills."  You are a boy after my own heart.

Then finally, finally it was time for back to school.  I got the same shot as I did last year with you standing next to the front door with your sign.  You are in Mrs. DeMille's afternoon class and your first day of school was August 27, 2012.

Dad was able to make it home the Saturday before school started, so we were all there to take you to school.

You found your spot where you hang your backpack and then found your name on the desk and sat down and got to work writing your name.  I really truly didn't think I would cry.  You are gone basically the same amount of time during the day that you were for preschool so it would be no big deal, right?  Well after you sat down and gave me this look like you were wondering why we were still hanging around and I realized it was time to leave I got choked up and started to get teary.  I gave you one last hug and booked it for the door.  I think I made it to the truck before I started to cry, but boy did I cry!  I was sad you were growing up, proud of you for not being scared, worried that the other kids would take your innocent sweetness.  Ugh.  So many things.  The whole time you were gone I thought about you and wondered what you were doing.  It is such a weird feeling to go from being with you and knowing how you act and what you do pretty much 24/7 to not being able to see you in this new environment to see how you act, etc.

It's been a few weeks and you still like for me to hold your hand and walk you as far as you can persuade me to when I drop you off in the morning.  Sometimes I try to convince you to just run in without me taking you, but the other day I realized that I don't need to push this.  I read something today written by a stepfather watching his stepson grow up where he said, "He is everything I rushed him to be."  I know that you will get there before I am ready.  You will be an independent boy who doesn't need his mom soon enough, so I will keep holding your hand and blowing you kisses and shouting I love you from the fence as long as you will let me.

Whew.  Okay.  So, we survived dropping you off and worrying about you while you were gone, and then we decided to have a back-to-school/dad's home party, and we headed to St. George to go bowling.  It was so funny to hear you and Tessa talking about it.  You told her, "Tess we get to go real bowling with a real ball instead of just on the Wii!"  I'm pretty sure the favorite part for both you and Tess was the ball return.  You would wait for it to come and then hurry and grab it fast.  I was just waiting for somebody to lose a finger.  Afterwards we went to Texas Roadhouse for dinner before stopping at Grandma & Grandpa H.'s house for a quick visit before heading home.

The next week we knew there was a good possibility that your dad would get an order to leave again, so I packed you guys up along with some hot dogs and chips and headed up to meet dad at Jacob Lake for dinner.  We met him just as he was getting off work and drove to a neat place on the Kaibab and dad did his best to start a fire.  Of course you were right in there to help.

 After we ate we noticed a tire swing hanging up nearby, and you and Tess ran over and had dad push you for a few minutes before it was time to head home.  I love this picture with the ash smudge on your cheek.  You are 100% boy, and nothing brings that out more than a campfire in the mountains.

I can see the effect that having you in school is having on you already.  You are once again impressing me with what you are learning.  They are using a "new" way of teaching math, and you are already doing story problems!  The downside is hearing about some of the things that the kids say that have had an effect on you during the day.  Like last week you told me you needed a new backpack because yours was kind of sparkly like a girl's.  (It's not.  It has a big yellow transformer on it for hell's sake).  Your comment hit me right in the heart and I asked you who had told you that.  "Oh, just one of the kids at school."  Mama Bear came out and I said something about how your backpack was just fine and you needed to tell that kid that your backpack was cooler than his or something else that was probably inappropriate.  I know that a silly comment about a backpack is nothing compared to what you will hear from other kids that will make you doubt yourself or your family or the choices you make, but now I can see just how hard it is going to be for me to watch you doubt yourself.  Don't.  Don't do it.  You are the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person on this earth, and there is no reason to ever doubt that you are amazing just the way you are.  I've noticed lately that even when your sister is being punished for something she did you to you, you usually turn around and ask me to go easy on her.  What an example you are to me and everyone around you.  Let YOU be the one who lifts other people instead of being dragged down.  It's harder to do, but I know you can.

We will figure this school thing out together.  I have to learn to let you pick your own battles and be your own person, and that is going to be hard for me, but I trust you.

And I love you, LOVE you, so much,

Mama Bear